Types of Abusive Men

In keeping with my dating/domestic violence awareness platform, I am reading a book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? When written in 2002, Bancroft had 15 years of experience working as an Abuse Therapist. Bancroft led groups and worked with men who were seeking counseling for being abusive or having an abusive nature. Bancroft wrote this book based off what he learned from these abusive men, as well as their partners.

In the book, there is a chapter on the types of abusive men. I am including that list with some of the central attitudes of those men as defined by Bancroft:

The Demand Man -
Has an "it's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault."
Believes "You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give."
Believes he is above criticism.
Believes he is a loving and giving partner and the partner is lucky to have him.

Mr. Right -
"You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what's good for you."
"Your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously."
"The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is."
"If you would just accept that I know what's right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too."
"When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that's mistreatment of me."
"If I put you down for long enough, some day you'll see."

The Water Torturer -
"You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing."
"I can easily convince other people that you're the one who is messed up."
"As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel."
"I know exactly how to get under your skin."

The Drill Sergeant -
"I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong."
"I know the exact way that everything should be done."
"You shouldn't have anyone else - or anything else - in your life besides me."
"I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence."
"I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me."

Mr. Sensitive -
I'm against the macho men, so I couldn't be abusive."
"As long as I use a lot of 'psychobabble', no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you."
"I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood. I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not."
"Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings."
"Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men."

The Player -
"Women were put on this earth to have sex with men - especially me."
"Women who want sex are too loose, and women who refuse sex are too uptight."
"It's not my fault that women find me irresistible. It's not fair to expect me to refuse temptation when it's all round me; women seduce me sometimes, and I can't help it."
"If you act like you need anything from me, I am going to ignore you. I'm in this relationship when it's convenient for me and when I feel like it."
"Women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches."
"If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldn't have to turn to other women."

Rambo -
"Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad."
"Anything that could be even remotely associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible violence or showing any fear or grief, has to be avoided at any cost."
"Femaleness and femininity are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them."
"Men should never hit women, because it is unmanly to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner if her behavior is bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line."
"You are a thing that belongs to me, akin to a trophy."

The Victim -
"Everybody has done me wrong, especially the women I've been involved with. Poor me."
"When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the parade of people who have been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you're just like the rest."
"It's justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel you are doing to me and even to make it quite a bit worse to make sure you get the message."
"Women who complain of mistreatment by men, such as relationship abuse or sexual harassment are anti-male and out for blood."
"I've had it so hard that I'm not responsible for my actions."

The Terrorist -
"You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands."
"Women are evil and have to be kept terrorized to prevent that evil from coming forth."
"I would rather die than accept your right to independence."
"Thee children are one of the best tools I can use to make you fearful."
"Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying."

The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser -
"I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems."
"If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems."
"I'm not abusive, I'm just ____ (alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be)."
"If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do."

Key points to remember -
- "Tremendous variation exists among abusive styles...Many men are mixtures of different aspects."
-"An abuser may change so much from day to day that he couldn't belong to any type and the partner can never make sense out of what she is living with."
-"An abuser of any type can have days when he turns loving, attentive and thoughtful. However, the abuse will come back unless the abuser has dealt with his abusiveness."

For more detailed information on these types and on abusive partners in general, pick up Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.