Love or Infatuation?

I remember a few years ago (okay about 10) when I was working as a store manager at Body Central, one of the other store managers coming to Texas from Florida, to help me open my store. One evening while we were working, she got a phone call. She stepped to the backroom and took the call. When she came back out, she had a huge smile on her face. She had been on the phone with her husband of 13 years. Having been divorced and being in a not great relationship at the time, I was in awe of her. We started discussing their marriage and their relationship. She said that because they both traveled a lot for their careers and they had children, they didn’t get to spend as much alone time together as they wish they could; but that they called each other multiple times throughout the day whether they were both home or not. She also shared that she, after 13 years of marriage, still got butterflies in her stomach every time she saw her husband…if they were meeting for lunch, he was coming home from work, they had just spent the week apart…it didn’t matter, the butterflies were still there. I was amazed. I remembered that butterfly feeling, but had not had that feeling in my then current relationship in a very long time. I found myself thinking about that. I wanted that. I wanted to find the person that would give me butterflies in my stomach for the rest of my life. Then I began to wonder if that butterfly feeling forever could really exist. Is that what love really was? Was it infatuation? Was it a combination of the two? What is this feeling all about and how do you keep it?

I was listening to the radio today and heard a song that made me think about that story. This lady, even after 13 years of marriage, still viewed her relationship in its beginning stage…the infatuation stage. That stage where you can’t wait to see that person again, when you get butterflies in your stomach just thinking about them, you get excited when you get a call or text from them and your heart starts racing, when the only place you want to be is where they are and when they’re the only person you want to spend time with, when there is passion and excitement around every corner. THAT stage! But can that stage actually last 13 years, 20 years, 25 years?

 I set a goal for 2014 of strengthening my marriage and my relationship with my husband. Relationships are hard. Love is hard. And it is even harder for those in relationships that are troubled. I’ve been looking at my past relationships and my relationship with my husband and doing some evaluating. What can I learn from the past to improve the future? What can be done to bring back that butterflies in your stomach feeling? I began doing some investigating into marriage, love, infatuation and romance and I’ve found some important information.

 There is a difference between love and infatuation. I’m sure we all know that deep down. What we forget sometimes is that a person who is in love can also be infatuated with the person he/she is in love with; but the person who is infatuated with someone, may not really love them. We need to know the difference between the two and one way of knowing whether it is love or simply infatuation is to ask yourself important questions. “Does this relationship bring out the best in both of us?” is one of the most important questions you can ask. If the answer to this question is no, you should re-evaluate your relationship. If the relationship is not bringing out the best in both of you, the relationship is unhealthy and more often than not, not going to last. Another question to ask is, “Are you in this relationship alone?” If you are not thinking and planning together as a pair, consider both of your plans before committing to something, or postponed or given up your dreams for the other person and not restructured your dreams together, you are in the relationship alone. A one-sided relationship will not last the test of time. These are things you don’t think about or see when you are infatuated with someone. When you are infatuated with someone, you put your blinders on and see only what you want to see. You are not seeing the other person for who he/she really is and you are not seeing the relationship for what it really is.

I think that butterfly feeling goes away, when the infatuation disappears and we begin to really take a good hard look at our relationships or significant others. We are now seeing them for who they really are and they really aren’t what/who we thought because of the blinders we saw them through in the beginning. You may realize that you are moving in opposite directions, that you or your partner were ignoring things that should have been addressed in the beginning of the relationship, that you want different things out of life, that your goals are no longer the same, that as a couple you are not in the same emotional place or on the same spiritual level, and the list goes on. This is when you have to make a decision. If you’re dating when you lose the infatuation, do you break up and move. If you’re married, do you get a divorce? What if you have children together? Or do you try to rekindle that infatuation? I think the answers to these questions vary from person to person and couple to couple. There is no right answer. It is ultimately a matter of what you see now versus what you once saw and if you can live with the person the way you really see them now. You have to decide if you can live with someone who is not on the same page as you. There is a lot to consider and sometimes, when we are infatuated, we forget that we may not be seeing our significant other the way they really are…and they may be showing us who they really are, but we have our blinders on and can’t, won’t or don’t see it. So, this is where we have to take a deep look at ourselves, as a friend recently made me realize during a conversation about a different topic, and determine what we have done in the relationship to contribute to the problems. For some of us, it may be that we had blinders on. I know I’ve worn blinders in the past. People, not even romantic relationships, have shown me who they really are and I chose not see it until later. For some of us, we may be contributing to the problem by enabling the unbecoming actions of our significant other. Whatever problems are going on in a relationship, we must be willing to examine our role in those problems rather than to simply blame the problems on the other person.

 So, back to those butterflies. Is it possible to still have that butterflies in your stomach feeling after years in your relationship? I believe so, but I believe that you have to be in love with each other (not a one-sided love), that you have to keep that infatuation by being on the same page from day one and you have to create romance and intimacy on a daily basis. Is it possible to get that feeling back after it’s been lost? I think with hard work, you can become reconnected with your partner and regain some of those beginning of a relationship feelings, but again, it takes both parties in the relationship working because a one-sided relationship gets you nowhere.

I found these 12 Tests of Love that I’d like to share. Are you really in love or is it just infatuation?

 1. The test of time. Love benefits and grows through time; infatuation ebbs and diminishes with time. Are you in a rush to label certain feelings “love,” or do you have other words to describe these feelings? Do you save the word love for something better than feelings? If you find yourself “falling in love” often and early, only to be later disappointed, perhaps remembering this first test of real love will save you future heartache.

2. The test of knowledge. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. How well do you expect to know the person you marry? Or how well do you know your spouse? Infatuation quickly decides it knows everything it needs to know. Genuine love creates an atmosphere of such interest that the other person opens like a flower.

3. The test of focus. Genuine love is other-person centered. Infatuation is self-centered. In your most important relationships, to what degree is your attention focused on what you are receiving from them and to what degree is your attention focused on meeting the other’s needs?

4. The test of singularity. Genuine love is focused on only one person. An infatuated individual may be “in love” with two or more persons simultaneously. In what ways have you realized that it’s much easier to work on problems in an existing relationship where singularity and faithfulness are maintained than to create a whole new set of problems with another person?

5. The test of security. Genuine love requires and fosters a sense of security and feelings of trust. An infatuated individual seems to have a blind sense of security, based upon wishful thinking rather than careful consideration; infatuation is blind to problems. Security grows and flows out of deep awareness of the other person’s character, values, and track record.

6. The test of work. An individual in love works for the other person, for his or her mutual benefit. People in infatuation only think of their own misery. They often daydream of unrealistic objectives and ideals that neither they nor their partner could ever actually attain.

7. The test of problem solving. A couple in love faces problems frankly and tries to solve them. Infatuated people tend to disregard or try to ignore problems. How good are you and your partner at seeing problems and working on them? Do you find that you gloss over hard issues in your relationship or face them squarely?

8. The test of distance. Love knows the importance of distance. Infatuation imagines love to be intense closeness, 24/7, all the time. If circumstances require you to be temporarily separated from the one you love, that will teach you a lot about the quality of your relationship. If there is not a sense of separateness, a distinct life, relationships with other people, and healthy balance, then the relationship is probably a lot more infatuation than love.

9. The test of physical attraction. Physical attraction is a relatively small part of genuine love, but it is the center focus of infatuation. Now don’t read “small part” to mean “not a part” in what I just stated. If your heart doesn’t skip a beat now and then and you don’t feel real attraction for your mate or the person you plan to marry, I’d call that a problem.

10. The test of affection. In love, affection is expressed later in the relationship, involving the external expression of the physical attraction we just described. In infatuation affection is expressed earlier, sometimes at the very beginning. Affection tends to push toward greater physical intimacy. Without the control of the other aspects of genuine love, affection spends itself quickly. It gives the appearance of making the relationship “close,” but the closeness is artificial and fragile.

11. The test of stability. Love tends to endure. Infatuation may change suddenly and unpredictably. In infatuation the wind blows here and you’re in love. The wind blows there and you’re in love. Not so with real love. Real love is stable. There is a commitment. The test of stability can hardly be applied to a relationship measured in days or weeks.

12. The test of delayed gratification. A couple in genuine love is not indifferent to the timing of their wedding, but they do not feel an irresistible drive toward it. An infatuated couple tends to feel an urge to get married—instantly. Postponement for the infatuated is intolerable.