Molestation and Sexual Abuse of Children

Since I became part of the Children's Advocacy Center of the San Luis Valley Capital Campaign Committee, I have been paying a lot more attention to the subject of molestation, incest and sexual abuse of children.
I was wide awake at 5 a.m. yesterday morning, so I decided to get up and watch Monday and Tuesday's recorded episodes of Dr. Phil (I have become addicted to his show). Monday's episode was about a 19 year-old girl, who had not only been molested by her father from the age of 6-17, he took her to Mexico and traded her sexually for drugs. This girl as a young teenager was left at a warehouse in Mexico with hundreds of men for hours at a time, while her father went and got his drugs. During her time at this warehouse, she was stripped naked, locked in a closet and raped numerous times (and apparently this was not a one time thing). She said once, she was even forced by the men to beat up a younger girl, whom she wanted to protect.
This young woman, kept her secret of sexual abuse from her entire family until she turned 18, at which time she reported the abuse to the police. This girl's mother said she wasn't aware of the abuse until she read that her ex-husband had been arrested in the newspaper. The young woman had lived with her mother and younger siblings and the abuse was happening when she and her two younger sisters would go to stay with their dad. At one point, one of the sisters mentioned to the mother that this young woman was still sleeping in the same bed as their dad and the mother questioned her, asking if her father had ever touched her or done anything to her. The young woman at that time denied anything ever happening.
This father had began molding his daughter into his "sexual toy" when she was just 6 years old, by showing her porn. I was appalled when I heard this. I just find it so hard to wrap my head around how someone can be sexually attracted to a child, let alone your own biological child. And for this girl, the abuse went beyond just fondling and touching. She said that as a teenager (she was an honor student and popular at school), she would listen to her friends telling stories of losing their virginity to this boy or that boy at school and here she was going home and having sex with her father. I can't even imagine what life was like for this girl. It was almost as if she were living two completely separate lives.
After her father was arrested, she reported feeling guilty for him being put in jail. She described her father as her everything, the person she loved more than anyone and so forth. She told Dr. Phil that she felt conflicted because her father had done these horrible things and allowed these horrible things to happen to her (he also got her hooked on heroin), but at the same time, she still loved him. As much as her father had put her through, he had kept coming back for her, which made her feel loved.
When Dr. Phil interviewed this woman's younger siblings, now young teenagers, they claimed that they had always been jealous of the relationship their older sister had with their dad....that was until they found out what was really happening. Now, they have nothing to do with him and won't even refer to him as dad, they call him by his first name. When Dr. Phil asked these girls if they had ever been molested by their father, they said no. However, the father had begun to start trying to mold the youngest girl right before the oldest one reported him to the police. The girls claim that their older sister saved them from him. They said they felt like she knew when to intervene and put herself between him and them to keep anything from happening to them. They said if it weren't for her, they would have also been victims.
When Dr. Phil was speaking to the mother of these girls, he asked her how she didn't know that this was going on with her child (not accusingly, but trying to prove a point to people in the audience and at home that these things can take place and no one ever know). She said her daughter showed no signs of being abused, she made good grades, was popular and involved at school, etc. And when asked about the possibility of molestation, the daughter denied anything happening. What else could a mother look for?
Dr. Phil posted on his website some information to help us determine if our child is being groomed by a sexual pedophile. Here is some information he shared:
-The FBI estimates that there is one child molester per square mile in the United States.
-The majority of molested children are victimized by family members, close relatives or people who have easy access to them (teachers, neighbors, coaches, etc.).
-Warning Signs:
*The child of single parent, who's parent lacks time to spend with the child.
*If the child's parent is desperate for help from outsiders.
*If your child is from a broken or unstable home.
*If there is someone in the parent or child's life who has an unusual or to-good-to-be-true interest in the child.
*If someone lavishes gifts on your child and has an unusual knowledge of kids popular interests (games they like to play, television shows, etc.).
*Your child receives mail, gifts and/or packages from someone you don't know.
*If a questionable person shows up without a child at child-intensive events and/or locations.
*A person tries to get alone time with your child.
*Your child spends a large amount of time online, especially at night.
*Your child uses an online account that belongs to someone else.
*There is pornography on your child's computer.
*You're child is receiving calls from people you don't know or making calls to numbers you don't recognize.
*Your child shuts off the computer monitor quickly or changes the screen when you walk in the room.
*Your child is withdrawing from your family.

These are just a few tips that something may not be right and you will want to watch your child(ren) much closer in order to keep him/her safe from a child molester.

Dr. Phil ended his show with a quote, "I would rather accuse someone who is innocent a thousand times in a row, than fail to accuse someone who is guilty." I think I have to agree with this. While we as humans never want to wrongly accuse someone of something, I think as a mother, I would rather wrongly accuse and then apologize for it later than to not accuse and have something happen to my daughter(s) like what happened to this girl. The whole family had a feeling something wasn't right, but there was no proof and therefore no accusation. This led to a little girl being molested, raped and traded for drugs for over 10 years. This woman is going to have problems from now on with things like her self-esteem, self-love, drug addiction, maintaining a relationship with her mother and other siblings, developing and maintaining a healthy relationship with another man, and so on. I think for the person wrongfully accused, you have to put yourself in the shoes of the parent and child and you fight and prove your innocence. It would suck to be wrongfully accused for sure and to wrongly accuse someone of something like this, but how do you as a parent, not question inappropriateness with your child. Turning a blind eye to something questionable does not help protect our children, it helps protect those hurting our children. There are people I know, who for whatever reason give me a bad vibe when I'm around them. They have never personally done or said anything to me, but the feeling I get around them is one that makes me feel something isn't right. Especially when they start asking about my daughter. These people aren't getting information about my daughter from me, because if I don't feel comfortable around them, I'm not going to allow my daughter around them and don't want them knowing anything about her that they could use to harm her in any way.
It is my job as a parent to love and protect my children and as I stated in my previous post, if that means being overprotective to them safe, so be it.   

Overprotective Parent - Yes I Am

Many people may say I'm an overprotective parent and they are probably right. After hearing of the little girl's (Jessica Ridgeway) disappearance near Denver last week, I was reminded again of why I am overprotective. My heart just broke for this little girl's family when the news announced her body had been found in a park just 6 or so miles from her home. I'm always baffled by how someone could hurt another person, let alone an innocent child. It is scary to think that our children cannot be safe walking to the park or bus stop without an adult with them. I remember as a 9 and 10 year old child riding my bike around my neighborhood with the other children and it didn't seem like we had to worry about someone trying to hurt one of us. I grew up in a town of 3,600 people, which now has a huge drug problem, but you would have never known it when I was growing up there. It seemed like a safe place and you never heard of children disappearing. Now days, it seems like it doesn't matter how small or large the town, how safe or unsafe, there are children being abducted all the time.
My 8 year old daughter has friends, who I am sure dislike me, because I am so overprotective. We live in a small mountain town, where the most common crime committed is feeding the wildlife. And while there is positives to living in a town with a winter population of 300-600, there are drawbacks as well. Because we are a mountain town and have a ski area within 20 miles of us, we are also a tourist destination. Our area summer population soars well above 5,000. We live in a nice little subdivision with paved streets the kids love to ride bikes on. However, on our street, there are only four houses with year round residents in it. The majority of houses on our street are vacation homes or homes that are in property management pools. We may have 2-3 different families staying across the street from us in any given week. And a lot of the neighborhood is this way. People from other places come in and buy a vacation home in the neighborhood and put it in a property management pool to help offset their costs and make owning a vacation home more affordable for them. I completely understand that. But because of this (not just this, but this is one of the reasons), I don't allow my 8 year old daughter to ride her bike around the neighborhood with her friends. She's not allowed to leave our driveway unless I'm with her (or another adult from our family/friends). She has rules about when she can and can't play in the front yard. When she is invited to a friend's house to play, I have to really know the parents in order to say yes. In fact, there are only about 3-4 houses that she is allowed to go play at. I feel bad about not letting her go to other friends, but I want to know that when she is not with me, she is safe and that an eye is being kept on her. I want to know that I can trust the parent and that I can trust the parent to make decisions that will keep my child safe, such as who they allow at their house while my child is there. Some parents I don't have a problem with, but some of their associates are questionable and I can't take the chance that one of those questionable people will show up while my child is there. An example of how I deal with letting my daughter go to someone's house I don't know happened over the weekend. An older couple moved in behind us and they have custody of their 11 year old granddaughter. She called me wanting to set up a play date with Sky on Saturday. I told her that Sky could come over for a little bit and had planned on taking her myself. Being pregnant and nesting, I decided I needed to finish cleaning that afternoon, so I had my husband go with Sky to her play date and stay there the entire time. I hope the lady wasn't offended, but I had never met her and am just not comfortable letting my child go to someone's house we don't know. Maybe it's because I am so overprotective, but one day this summer, I was shocked when I heard a knock on the door and when I answered it, there were two little girls I'd never seen before standing in front of me. One of the little girls asked, "can your daughter come play?". I told them my daughter wasn't there and they said okay and walked to the driveway. I shut the door and a few seconds later heard another knock. I answered and they asked, "do you know the name of your little girl's friend?". They had apparently seen Sky and her friend from down the street playing in the driveway one day. I told them her name and went back about my business. A few minutes later, I was walking out to my car and the little girls came back..."do you know where (my daughter's friend) lives?". Here were these two little girls about my daughter's age, running around our neighborhood by themselves, looking for someone to play with. Turns out, they had moved in a street over from us and they could see our front yard from their backyard. These little girls didn't even know my daughter's name and wanted to play. I had never met these girl's parents and knew nothing about them and them nothing about us and here they were allowing their children roam from house to house looking for children to play with. Maybe it's just me, but I was not comfortable with the situation at all. I'm not going to allow my child run around the neighborhood by herself, let alone, go from house to house to see if there are children at them.
Now I'm not saying that children shouldn't have some freedom and shouldn't be allowed to do things, I just believe that what they do should be done safely. I'm not willing to take any chances with my child. I would rather be a little overprotective now and gradually give her freedoms than to let her wander free at her age and something happen to her. I personally believe that if we start teaching our children slowly and giving them freedoms slowly, by the time they are teenagers, they will have the tools and freedom they need to make the right decisions. As my daughter gets older and gains a better understanding of what's right and wrong, what is okay and what isn't and when she feels strong enough to stand up for herself and what she believes is right, I will loosen up more. Right now, my 8 year old wants everyone to like her and obsesses if she gets in an argument or disagreement with a friend. I don't want a friend, stranger or anyone else, pressuring her into something that is not right because she is afraid of hurting their feelings by saying no. I tell her over and over that it is okay to disagree with other people and to tell them no if she doesn't want to do something or they want to do something she knows she's not allowed to do. Peer pressure can be great and we have all faced it, I just want to make sure my daughter knows that it is okay to say no and for her to feel good about saying no, before I let her take off into the world on her own.
I've probably rambled enough about me being overprotective, but I just couldn't help but be reminded of why I am so overprotective when I heard about Jessica Ridgeway. Jessica and her family did nothing wrong. Jessica was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and was the victim of a sick and twisted person who took advantage of her vulnerability. What's scary is that the FBI believe that this individual who took Jessica, could be someone known within the community. Maybe even someone Jessica knew or had met before. South Fork may be small, but sexual perps, child molesters and other criminals can blend in with everyone else. I don't want to take the chance that one of these people may live or be staying down the street or down the road from my family or places that my child (and soon to be children) hang out. As a parent, I believe it is my job to protect my child(ren) until they are old enough to do so themselves and for me, if that means being overprotective.....so be it.