Just Some Thoughts

Sorry I haven't posted as much as I would have liked to this month. My daughter and I were both incredibly sick with whatever is going around for about a week and I'm finally starting feel normal again.

I was sitting here at my desk thinking about what I need to be doing this coming week and realized that one week from today, I will be competing in the preliminary round of the Mrs. Colorado Pageant. WOW!!!! Where have the past six months gone?!? It's hard to believe the pageant is already here. I'm so excited and looking forward to all the wonderful people I'll be meeting next week.
I'll also be hosting next Tuesday, March 1st from 6-8 p.m. at the San Luis Valley Brewing Company, so stop by and say hello if you are in Alamosa.

Now on to some more important information...
I was driving home last night from a meeting and a Martina McBride song came on the radio that made me realize that while I've been addressing dating and domestic violence from an adult perspective and aiming what I've been doing at how it affects "adults", I have forgotten to discuss another very important issue within domestic violence and that is child abuse. Often times, domestic violence trickles down to affect the children within a relationship and that often results in the abuse of the child or children.
Below are some alarming statistics on child abuse I took from National Child Abuse Statistics (www.childhelp.org):

• In 2007, 5.8 million children were involved in 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations (nationally).
• A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds.
• Almost 5 children die every day as a result of child abuse (this number has increased by nearly 2 children per day since 1995).
• 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator and 68% are abused by family members.
• 31% of women in U.S. prisons report being abused as children.
• 14% of men in U.S. prisons report being abused as children.
• Children who experience child abuse are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit a violent crime.
• Over 60% of people in drug rehab centers report being abused as a child.
• About 30% of abused children will abuse their own children.
• Abused children are 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy.
• Abused teens are 3 times less likely to practice safe sex.
• Children who are sexually abused are 2.5 times more likely abuse alcohol and 3.8 times more likely to develop drug addictions.
• Neglect is the most common form of child abuse (59% of cases) followed by: Variety of other abuse (17.4%), physical abuse (10.8%), sexual abuse (7.6%), psychological maltreatment (4.2%), and medical neglect (0.9%).

Things kids should know about child abuse and neglect:

• No one has the right to abuse you.
• You don't deserve to be abused.
• If you are being abused, you are a victim.
• It's not your fault.
• It is wrong for you to go through this and made to feel the way you do.
• You are not alone.
• Sometimes abusers scare or threaten you so you won't tell.
• There are people who care about you and want to help you.
• Tell someone you trust (i.e.: parent, teacher, pastor, counselor, neighbor, school nurse, family friend, friend's parent, etc.)
• Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD to talk to a counselor 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.

If you know a child who is being abused or have a friend who is experiencing abuse please visit www.childhelp.org for more information on child abuse and neglect or call 1-800-422-4453. Child abuse is often hidden just like domestic violence and is serious. If you suspect your child or another child is being abused, please seek help.

I leave you with the song that brought this topic to mind for me last night:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtNYA4pAGjI

Tiara Time

While this blog has nothing really to do with domestic or dating violence, I thought this could be of interest to all the mothers out there.

The Mrs. Colorado Pageant Director (Emily Stark) emailed the pageant contestants a newsletter that contained some information on a book she had picked up at the library. One of the chapters was entitled "Tiara Time". The book described tiara time as 'a time of day that was all her own, a time when the children were required to participate in silent, independent study and not allowed to bother her at all.'

Do you have a "Tiara Time"? Do you set aside time in your busy day just for you? What is it that you enjoy doing alone? Reading? Taking a bubble bath? Going for a walk?

As mothers, we all feel that need to stay busy with work, being a wife/girlfriend, being a mother and so forth. We often times forget to take time for ourselves. In counseling we are required to do something called self-care to prevent burnout. The same is true for mothers. I encourage you to set aside a time during the day, whether it is 10 minutes or an hour, that is just for you and no one is to bother you.

My tiara time is soaking in a nice bath and enjoying a book or magazine (there is a basket of Cosmo's and Psychology Today magazines next to the tub...LOL).

Listening to Others

In my experience, listening to former girlfriends or spouses of your partner is a good indicator of what kind of boyfriend or spouse that person will be (or can be). It's something no one wants to hear, that your boyfriend or spouse has been abusive to another woman. My reaction when I was told that someone I was dating was abusive..."this woman is just jealous because I'm with him now and she wishes she could be with him again." Little did I know, this woman was actually trying to look out for me. She told me about her experience with this man and I blew her off. My relationship with him wasn't like that. He would never push or hit me. He would never do anything to harm me. That was what I kept telling myself. However, after over two years of dating, it happened....the first push. That was the beginning of the abusive relationship I was in and I had been warned.

With that being said, if someone tells you that he or she has been abused by an ex-boyfriend or husband, look for signs that the relationship you are in could be or end up abusive:

Isolation: Is your boyfriend or husband keeping you away from your family and friends or limiting the time you spend with others outside of your relationship?
Change in Emotions: Have you gone from happy when you're with your boyfriend/husband to sad and depressed in your relationship?
Constant Communication: Does your boyfriend/husband have to be in constant communication with you (calling/texting) and gets upset if you don't answer or respond immediately? Does he always want to know where you are, who you are with and what you are doing?
Jealousy: Does your boyfriend/husband become upset if you mention another guys name, whether it's a friend or colleague? Does he get upset when you want to spend time with your girlfriends? Did he tell you he loved you early on in the relationship to keep you under his emotional control?
Background: Does your boyfriend/husband come from a tragic home life? Did his parents abuse drugs or alcohol? Was he abused as a child? What have previous partners told you about him?
Need to Impress: Is he telling you how to dress, cut your hair, what to eat, who to be friends with? Do you feel like he won't leave you or will leave you if you don't do what he suggests?
Making Excuses: Do you find yourself defending your boyfriend/husband's statements or actions?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you could be in an abusive relationship and should take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship and situation.

I leave you with a really great song a friend introduced me to by Christina Aguilera and another good one by Katy Perry:

This song gives me chill bumps (Christina Aguilera - Oh Mother)
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_BZQ77akOg

(Katy Perry - Pearl)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6Y4y6ka3y4&feature=fvwrel

Dating Violence Awareness Month

I can't believe it is already February. It feels as if the year just began.

I have to say, February is one of my favorite months (and not just because I own a florist...LOL). When I hear February, the romantic in me thinks of Valentine's Day, romance, chocolates, roses, candle lit dinners, and love. However, February is not just a month dedicated to romance and love, it is also a month dedicated to the awareness of something that until recently has not been given a lot of recognition...Dating Violence.

I can personally remember the first time I saw anything about dating violence in the media. It was Valentine's Day Week and the day after the 2009 Grammy Awards. Does anyone know what I'm referring to? The most publicized dating violence case of the decade, which involved pop stars Rhianna and Chris Brown. Shortly after the allegations that Chris Brown had beaten Rhianna after a pre-Grammy party, photos were released of the young pop star with bruised eyes, cuts all over her face, and swollen lips. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship themselves would want to cringe when looking at these photos. The thought that "this was me, this is what I could have looked like had I not ended the relationship, and this could have been so much worse" crossed my mind when looking at these photos.

 
Looking at this photo today, I can only imagine what was going through the mind of this pop star turned Cover Girl model as the man she loved did this to her. At the time of this incident, Rhianna was 20 and Chris was 19. Abuse does not happen to only those who are married, living together, old, poor, or whatever other kind of people you may be thinking this happens to. Abuse occurs regardless of your relationships, age, social status, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, and so on. Abuse does not discriminate against anyone!!!

Here are some Dating Violence statistics I found that will help you avoid or recognize a violent dating relationship:

• 1 in 4 adolescents report verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse every year.

• 1 in 5 adolescents report being in emotionally abused.

• 1 in 5 high school aged girls have been physically or sexually abused by someone they were dating.

• 54% of high school students report dating violence among their peers.

• 1 in 3 teens report having a friend who has been abused by a dating partner.

• 80% of teens believe verbal abuse among their age is a problem.

• Nearly 80% of girls who have been abused by their partner continue the relationship.

• 20% of teenage girls have been involved in a relationship in which a dating partner has threatened violence to her or himself in the event of a break-up.

• 70% of young women who have been raped knew their rapists....a boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, friend, or acquaintance.

• The majority of teen dating abuse occurs in the home of one of the partners.

If you or someone you know has been a victim of dating violence, please seek help before it is too late. The violence will only get worse the longer you stay in the relationship. Turn to a local shelter, counselor, law enforcement authorities, teacher, or other adult you trust and ask for help.

For more information on Dating Violence, visit www.acadv.org/dating.html.

If you are in need of help or have a friend in need of help call the domestic violence hotline at  1-800-650-6522.