Ms. Woman Northern Colorado United States 2017

It's been a very long while since I made a post. Well, here we are in a new year....2017. This past year has been an adventure for me and I've had some very unexpected changes that have been some of the best changes I could've hoped for. After a divorce and 11 years in Southwest Colorado, I relocated in March 2016 to Northern Colorado after accepting a job as a Child and Family Therapist in Loveland. I had no idea what this move would bring with it, but it has been the best thing ever! I am living life more than ever and able to give my girls experiences they would not have gotten had we remained where we were. I am in a very healthy and great relationship with an amazing guy, who is supportive, encouraging and motivating. He is everything I could want and more! And with him...I gained three additional really great kiddos into my life (okay, two aren't really kids...they are young adults....but I gained them just the same); and life is great!

Which brings me to today's blog. This blog was originally created when I was married and competing for Mrs. Colorado America. Then it became just a place to put my thoughts. Well, with the encouragement of my wonderful boyfriend, I am entering back into the pageant world and will be competing for the title of Ms. Woman Colorado United States 2017 in March. I'm so excited to be competing again and have been preparing like crazy. I'm getting some great sponsors: Victory 6 Enterprises (owned by my boyfriend), The Royal Image by Raeanne, Ben Guizar, LPC and more are on the way. I've been eating a healthy no carb diet that took some time to adjust to, but now it's becoming so easy. I've also been hitting the gym, which has become something I look forward to every day. 

In preparing for the pageant, I have been volunteering in my community and doing some very fun things. I was master of ceremonies for Spirit Crossing Clubhouse's Annual Chili Cook-Off and modeled for Royal Image Boutique along side the Denver Broncos at Denver's Unique Week of Fashion to raise money for Cerebral Palsy Association. I'm also preparing for some upcoming events that I'm very excited about: Night to Shine sponsored by Tim Tebow Foundation at Gateway Christian Church in Aurora, Loveland Fire and Ice Festival and speaking on Bullying at Harrington Arts Academy's Annual Art Gala. 

As a child and family therapist, my platform for competition is mental health awareness. The emphasis of my platform as Ms. Woman Colorado United States 2017 would be creating more education in schools to help decrease suicide rates among middle and high school students by educating peers and faculty on signs of issues such as depression, anxiety, bullying and suicidal ideation. By increasing education, students can receive earlier detection, help and support. I also want to educate students and faculty on mental health and mental health disorders to help decrease the stigma that comes from some of these students being hospitalized due to their mental health issues. I see so many good kids come through my office who have been hospitalized and return to school to be ridiculed, looked down on and treated differently; not just by their peers, but by faculty and parent's of their peers. These children become their "diagnosis" or looked upon as bad kids by peers, faculty and parents who are uneducated on mental health and what it means to live with a mental health issue; as well as what it means to seek help, whether that is through hospitalization or regular therapy. I want these children to feel comfortable seeking help for their mental health issues and for those around them to be supportive of them and their recovery rather than bringing them down and making them feel bad about themselves because of their issues. 

I am looking forward to these next couple of months and representing Northern Colorado in March as I compete for my state title. 

Insecurities...We All Have Them

I just read a really great article on how women chase men, usually without even knowing it, and the reason for this, is fear of the guy not knowing that we are interested. Some of the ways in which we women chase after men, without realizing seem friendly, chasing. In fact, while I was reading the list, I noticed that I am guilty of many of these things....and recently. When a woman calls, texts, emails or messages the guy before he has the chance to do those things; when a woman invites or initiates plans rather than allowing the guy to initiate the next date or plans; etc. The article discussed the fact that we women do this seemingly trying to be friendly, but that guys read this as need and aggressive. WOW! I had never thought about that. I was that woman who thought it was just being nice. What I gathered from the article is basically, if you are making the first move, the first contacts, the plans, etc. it turns a guy off instead of letting him know how interested you actually are in him. Our intentions of being nice to let him know we're interested backfire...but why? Because by us trying to take the lead or initiate we are showing how insecure we are. Which was interesting, because I was thinking about how insecure we all are, both females and males. In recent conversations with male friends, some who have been single for a while, some who are going through divorces, some who are divorced, some who are married; I have found that guys are just as insecure as women are. And sometimes more. And sometimes about different things from women.

After going through a divorce a little over a year ago, I have had to do a lot of soul searching and face a lot of my insecurities. We all have them and I am not exempt. I found myself staying in a relationship with my ex-husband because I was not secure enough in myself and who I was to move on. I kept asking myself: What if no one else wants to be with me? Am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I fit/skinny enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fun? Will a guy be accepting of me? Will he be accepting of my past? And being the single mom of two amazing girls, Will he accept my girls? Will he want a ready made family?
This was ridiculous. First of all, at the time I am asking myself these questions, I don't even know who "he" is. If I don't know who "he" is, how do I know the answers to any of the other questions? And the question, "What if I'm not good enough?". What if I'm not good enough for what? For who? Who am I to judge myself this way? What is good enough for the right person, isn't going to be good enough for the wrong person. What is pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, fun enough for the right person is probably not going to be enough for the wrong person. So how can I judge myself in that way? I shouldn't! I should be good enough for me, pretty enough for me, fit enough for me, smart enough for me, talented enough for me. I should be living for me and to make myself happy, not trying to be what someone I may not even know wants me to be, especially when I don't even know what that is.

While I was dealing with my own insecurities and working through accepting and loving myself and making the changes to myself that I wanted to make for me, not someone else, I began seeing and hearing the insecurities of my male friends and realized I was not alone and that women are not the only ones who deal with insecurities.
For some of my male friends, depending on their current relationship status, they are dealing with a lot of the same issues we women are: Am I good enough? Am I good looking enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fit enough? I also found that men also are insecure about their living arrangements, careers, finances, etc. Some examples of what I'm talking about: a couple that gets a divorce and the wife gets the house, so he's now living with his parents or in his office space; he worries that his job or career is not as glamorous as he would have people believe or that he is not as successful in his career choice as he'd like to be; that he is financially strained and it is going to turn women away.

I can't speak for other women and can only speak for myself, but I've had a number of relationships (when I mention relationships, I'm including dating here, not just serious relationships) in a number of situations. I've been in relationships with guys with money and guys who were broke. I've been in relationships with guys who were good looking and guys who weren't as attractive as others. I've been in relationships with guys who have been single with no kids and been in relationships with guys who have been divorced with kids. I have been in relationships with guys with dreams and goals and guys who didn't have a clue what they wanted out of life. I've been in relationships with guys who worked hard and didn't work at all. I've been in relationships with guys who were fit and guys that could've lost a few pounds (not being mean, but for health reasons). I've been in relationships with guys who had careers and guys who floated from job to job.
What I have found from being in some sort of relationship with guys from opposite extremes is that I personally am interested in the guys who in this particular order can provide me with the following:
1. Honesty - First and foremost, I need someone who is honest. If you betray my trust, it takes a lot for me to trust you again. I need someone who is open, honest and trustworthy. I would much rather hear the truth from you than to find it out on my own and feel that I've been deceived. So many men don't get this and it is one of the easiest things to do...just tell the truth. As I once told my ex, "I would rather you tell me the truth and me be upset for 10 minutes than for you to lie to (or deceive) me and me not be able to ever trust you again."
2. Loyalty - I'm a person who has always had more male friends than female ones. While I have a handful of girlfriends, majority of my friends are male. And it is possible to have strictly platonic friends of the opposite sex and I would never want someone I'm in a relationship with to severe a friendship with another woman. What I will ask for, however, is that those platonic relationships stay just that. They don't cross the line. They don't become flirtatious. They don't turn into emotional affairs. I don't have to be the only woman in your life, but I want to be one of the most important (only women I'm willing to take a backseat at times to is mom, sisters or other female family members, and children). Loyalty goes with honesty. If we're serious be serious about me. Don't play games. Don't hurt me and don't betray my trust by lacking loyalty.
3. Acceptance - I've been through some shit. I have history, I have trauma, I have at times been broken. I have children and responsibilities. I need you to be accepting of who I am, what I've been through and understand that all of that has made me who I am today. And accepting who I am, means that you don't use that against me. You don't use it to threaten me with. You don't use it to get what you from me with. You accept all of me, the good and the bad, you help me to continue to be a better me for both of us. You walk by my side, not in front of me. We are equals. I want to accept you and everything you may or may not have been through who has made you who you are, just as much as I want you to accept that of me.
4. Conversation - I need someone I can communicate with and who knows what communication is. It's not you talking to me and me listening and we had a great conversation. It's taking turns talking and listening and understanding and learning about each other. It's sharing our days and taking a sincere and genuine interest in the conversation. I have recently found that I can have more fun having a good conversation than I can going to a club or bar. Communication and conversation is one of the most important aspects of any relationship.
5. Laughter - I have found that I need to laugh. Life is so much happier when you can laugh (when it's appropriate) at yourself, at circumstances, at life. If I can't laugh with you, be silly with you and enjoy being with you, why am I wasting my time? Life is too short not to laugh and enjoy it. Of course not every situation is laughable, but being able to make me laugh is important. And creating inside jokes that no one else would understand can become very amusing, especially when they are used in public.
6. Love - I want someone who loves me and the person who loves me is going to give me 1-5 without me even having to ask. I don't have to be the center of your world, but I want to be an important part of it and I want you to be an important part of mine. I know situations aren't always ideal and there may be times when we go days, weeks, maybe even months without talking, seeing each other, or being together; but knowing that we love each other and that 1-5 exist in the relationship, can make even the most impossible possible.
Love isn't a word, love is an action. I don't necessarily need, "I love you"; I need to be showed that you love me. So what does that look like? When we're apart: sending a small bouquet of flowers to my work for no reason, dropping a post card in the mail, sending me a good night/good morning text or message (or even better call), sending me songs that make you think of me, leaving me messages to find at my house when you're gone (i.e.: a note on the mirror so that when it fogs from the shower, I can read it when I get out), leaving me one of your t-shirts for me to sleep in, etc. When we're together: kissing me..often (doesn't have to be a full on make-out session, but real intimate kisses), holding my hand, holding/cuddling me, eye contact, small sweet gestures that you wouldn't give others, being present, putting your phone/ipad/ipod away, sing me a song, dance with me, did I mention kiss me.

If you look at my list, it really has nothing to do with anyone being good enough, good looking enough, fit enough, smart enough, rich enough. Maybe some people are that shallow, but the more I look at what I look for in a person, the more I realize that I will be good enough for the right person and I'll be good enough on every level. Being in a relationship with someone who is good-looking, smart, has a career, is successful, has money, etc. may be icing on the cake; but it's not what a relationship is made of. If I can have those 6 items I listed, the man I am with can be broke, living at home with his mother, been divorced, never have been married, could have kids, may not want any of his own but accepts mine, could have had huge dreams that just didn't work out, could be flipping burgers at McDonald's. After the relationships I have been in, I have learned that you don't judge others worth on the material things they do or don't have to offer. Sometimes the guy that has all the money and is successful, never has time to spend with you. Sometimes the guy that is good-looking or fit, has other women chasing him and you end up competing for him. The same goes for women. Guys, there are also drawbacks if you're looking for a women based on materialistic or physical attributes. We all need more than that. We need the emotional piece and if the emotional piece isn't there, all the physical and material attributes/wealth in the world will not make us happy in a relationship.

So, when we start feeling insecure about who we are, our physical appearance, what we can physically/materially offer someone; we need to remember that how we interact and affect someone on an emotional level is far more important than all those other things. And what is good enough for one person isn't going to be good enough for another. We need to remember to be good enough for ourselves and to think about those emotional things that we need from a relationship and ask if we are getting that from the person we like, that we are pursuing, or that we are in a relationship with. We must also remember that we all have insecurities and that all our insecurities are different. Be gentle with and have patience with those you love and ask them to do the same for you.

Inspiration

Wow! It's been almost a year since my last post. A lot has happened in a year. 2014 was a difficult and stressful year. I always try to start the new year inspired and encouraged, hoping it will be better than the year before. After last year, 2015 can only bring good things and it seems the year has started out pretty well professionally and personally.
Today, I attended the 3rd Annual SLV Cross Systems Symposium for work. This year's theme was Keep Calm Persistence Beats Resistance. I always enjoy going to conferences, workshops and seminars; especially when I walk away with not only information, inspiration and encouragement for working with my clients, but also information, inspiration and encouragement that I can apply to my life and relationships.
The keynote speaker for today waws Darrell Hammond of Boulder, CO. He is the owner of Higher Ground Consulting and is a performance coach and leadership trainer. I attended his keynote address, as well as his breakout seminars: Zombie Zone (preventing and recovering from burnout) and Time Will Tell (communicating/working with others from different generations). I'd like to share with you some of the things I took away from today's seminars that we can all apply to our daily lives. Hope you find this information useful, inspirational and encouraging.

"The health of a relationship, team or organization is a function of the average time lag between identifying and discussing problems."
From this comment, we discussed the importance of addressing issues or problems when they arise. If we don't talk about these issues or problems when they arise, we'll act it out. What this means is that if something someone does bothers us, upsets us, etc., and we don't talk to them about it, we will begin to act differently towards them and act out as a result of not having addressed the problem to begin with. When addressing/talking about issues or problems, deal with the issues within 24 hours, be open to feedback from the other person, and swallow your pride, sit back and listen to what the other person is saying.

The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team/Relationship
1. Absence of Trust
2. Fear of Conflict
3. Lack of Commitment
4. Avoidance of Accountability
5. Inattention to Results
These are the five things that can destroy a team or relationship.

"Fatigue makes us push back against conversations we need to have." When we are not taking care of ourselves and we are stressed or fatigued, we push back against those conversations that need to be had. We try to avoid conversations whether positive or negative due to a lack of energy and emotion.

We all have layers and we only show others the layers we want them to see based on our environment. While we may think we really know someone, we actually only know that person the way they want us to know them in the environment we know them in. We may not let our colleagues see the same layers that we let our families see at home or that we show our very close friends. Because we only see the layers others want us to see, we must try not to judge them based on the layers we see.

"Burnout" is a state of emotional, mental and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. When we experience burnout, it can often take 6-12 months for us to recover.

"Hypervigilence" is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Hypervigilance is exhausting and never stops, no matter how hard you try.

Those of us who are adrenaline junkies, do things to adrnalize ourselves and eventually our bodies can't take anymore and we burnout.

"Although no one can make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
It doesn't matter where we came from or what we've been through, we can choose to change the direction of our lives by changing our perspective, attitude and actions.

Hope you found some of these as informative, inspirational or encouraging as I did.

Happy 2015!!!!!!

P.S. Here is an interesting video Darrell showed us on social media:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eUeL3n7fDs

Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania....this is a word that I hate. I'm not sure what it is about the word, I just absolutely hate it. Maybe, it's because this is a word that I have let define me for over 20 years. This is a part of my life that I have kept hidden, lied about, been ashamed of and fearful that people would find out. It is a word that has kept me from doing many things that I once enjoyed in life....swimming, water skiing, having my hair and make-up done by others, wearing my hair down in a boat or with the windows rolled down.
I've talked about Trichotillomania (TTM) briefly in previous blogs, but never really shared my story with the word or how it has really affected my life. As a counselor, I believe that sharing your story is healing. "Every time you tell your story and someone else who cares bears witness to it, you turn off the body’s stress responses, flipping off toxic stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine and flipping on relaxation responses that release healing hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, nitric oxide, and endorphins. Not only does this turn on the body’s innate self-repair mechanisms and function as preventative medicine—or treatment if you’re sick. It also relaxes your nervous system and helps heal your mind of depression, anxiety, fear, anger, and feelings of disconnection." (Rankin, L., MD, The Healing Power of Telling Your Story) I believe with every story shared, you continue the healing process. I've seen this with my dating/domestic violence awareness. I remember the first time I shared my story about being in an abusive relationship and the women who came up to me afterwards. It was scary telling my story for the first time, but as I got farther into the story, the more comfortable I became and the more I began to recognize the emotions the experience brought up in me...I felt them all as I shared my story....stress, anxiety, loneliness, and finally relief. Then when I had women come up to me and thank me for sharing my story and then to have them share their story with me, some of them this was the first time they spoke about it themselves, I was floored. I never imagined that my story would have an impact the way it did. And then when I shared my story at a middle school and the signs of dating violence and had a young man come to me after my presentation and tell me, "Miss. I just broke up with my girlfriend today and after hearing you, I'm glad I did. I was in an abusive relationship and I was the one being abused".....WOW!!!! I wanted to cry. By sharing my story, I was getting through to middle schoolers. Well, now I'm going to share my story with Trichotillomania.
First of all, I have to say that this is very scary for me. Scary because you never know what other's reaction to your story is going to be. I have been trying to recover from my TTM for over 20 years and I have to share my story for my healing, as well as to let the many others out there with TTM know that they are not alone.
TTM is a disorder in which the person has irresistible urges to pull out hair from the scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, and sometimes other areas of the body. TTM has been referred to as both an impulse control disorder and an obsessive compulsive disorder; however, it doesn't really fit in any specific category. The cause of TTM is still unknown; however, in my experience, it is linked to trauma (something I believe most cases of TTM have in common). For some people, like model and actress Olivia Munn (Magic Mike), they pull only from their eyelashes; while others, like Paula Dean, pull out their eyebrows and eyelashes. Many other famous celebrities have also been reported as having had mild to moderate cases of TTM: Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry, Charlize Theron, Leonardo Di Caprio, Christina Aguilera, Victoria Beckham, Kate Beckinsale and Naomi Campbell. Many of these celebrities have only discussed their TTM in passing and Olivia Munn is the only one who has openly spoke out specifically about her disorder. TTM affects between two to ten million Americans, with more women being affected than men.
My TTM began for me when I was about 10 years old. My grandfather died and shortly after, I began being sexually abused by an older male cousin. The abuse happened a handful of times and I didn't know what to do with it or about it. He had told me not to tell and although I had been told my entire life not to let anyone touch me, I couldn't bring myself to tell. I was afraid that somehow I would be blamed or that no one would believe or worse yet...what my dad would do if he found out. I kept this secret to myself, while I began to develop internal anxiety and stress when I had to be around him. I was full of anxiety and shame. I wanted the way I felt inside to go away and I accidentally found that relief with TTM. I remember the first time I pulled. I didn't intentionally pull for a release or pleasure. I had an eyelash poking me in the eye and I pulled out the eyelash that was curled under. I wasn't expecting the release of tension that came with that pull. The only way I can describe is by comparing it to someone who cuts themselves. It's that release that you get from that brief pain...and it becomes addicting. From that day on, I have been a puller. It began with my eyelashes. I remember my grandmother noticing my missing lashes for the first time and I told her that I had tried to use an eyelash curler and accidentally pulled out my lashes. Then I began on my eyebrows. My parents were convinced I was shaving them. My dad would ground me and I was constantly in trouble for my pulling. I couldn't tell them I was intentionally and sometimes unconsciously pulling out my eyebrows and eyelashes. I was in junior high when I started pulling my hair. I thought if I started pulling the hair on my head, I would stop pulling my eyebrows and eyelashes. I pulled for nearly two years from my head before my mom noticed my thinning hair one afternoon after we had finished swimming. Just a couple of nights prior to that, I had been deeply depressed. I had been in sitting in my room for a couple of hours listening to music when I looked down and noticed a huge pile of hair next to my bed. I picked it up and threw it in the trash and looked in the mirror. That's when I saw the huge bald patch on my head. What had I done? Why had I pulled out my hair? Why couldn't I stop? I didn't like what I was doing, I didn't like what I saw in the mirror, I didn't like who I was. I felt like a monster, a freak. Why was I the only person in the world who did this to themselves? After sitting on the edge of my tub crying for about 30 minutes, I decided to pull my hair into a ponytail and go downstairs. I was flipping through the channels on tv when I stopped on an infomercial about wigs. It was while watching this infomercial that I realized that I what I was doing had a name and that there were millions of other people who did it to. It was called Trichotillomania. I sat watching the infomercial crying my eyes out. Crying out of relief that I was not alone and out of fear that the disorder had no known cure.
When my mom noticed my hair that day, I looked at her and began crying. For the first time, I admitted what I had been doing and told her that I had Trichotillomania. Mom worked for a doctor's office and had actually heard of the disorder. She made me an appointment with her doctor, who confirmed that I did have TTM and prescribed me an anti-depressant and referred me to a psychologist. I was a junior in high school when I began seeing my psychologist. Something I find interesting now, is that she never did an intake, which is the first thing I do with all my clients. She simply tried to treat my symptoms, rather than trying to get to the bottom of my disorder (my past trauma). While going to the psychologist, she wanted to work on my self-esteem, so she suggested that I purchase a wig. At this point, I had a very thin ponytail because the entire crown of my head was bald and wearing my hair in the ponytail was the only way to hide it. Mom took me to purchase a wig and I was more subconscious wearing the wig than I had been with my thin ponytail. However, having the wig on my head for 75% of the day, kept me from pulling my hair. We purchased the wig in the fall of my junior year and by winter my senior year, I was able to get rid of the wig and sporty a really cute pixie cut. I remember the day after I got my hair cut at school. I walked into my first period class with Ms. Myers. I had had Ms. Meyers for freshman English and she was our sponsor for Lions for the Lord (our school prayer group) and was blessed to have her again for senior English. When I walked into her classroom, Ms. Myers looked at me, walked across the room and with tears in her eyes gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me. We had never talked about my disorder, but she knew. That moment has stuck with me all these years later.
I thought this was a turning point for me and my TTM. For the next few months, I did really good about not pulling my hair. While I'm sporting my wig in my senior yearbook picture, I was able to graduate in 1999 with my own hair. I had a great summer, as I prepared for my first semester of college and thought things had turned around. Then two weeks before I left for college, my first love and someone who meant the world to me, committed suicide. I struggled through the next weeks to not pull. I was at Sam Houston with one of my best friends from high school and pursuing my broadcast journalism degree. I was still struggling not to pull, but was managing. That is until we went out one night mid-semester. Our suitemate was a bartender at one of the local bars, so we went to see her at work. It was $1 pitcher night, so a group of us girls were having fun. Then we met a group of older students, who invited us to go to one of the popular clubs in Huntsville. We hung out there a while and because we were underage and they were strict about not serving minors, we had to sneak drinks from the group we were with. I remember a guy brining me one drink and drinking it. Next thing I know, we are at an apartment complex at a party. There were people all over the place and a keg in the parking lot. A guy brought me and my friends a beer from the keg and we were all standing around talking. I needed to use the restroom and someone pointed me towards an apartment with an open door and gave me directions on how to get there. As I was walking to the restroom, I got a call from a friend. We talked for a good 10 minutes before I left the bathroom. When I finished our conversation, I hung up and walked out of the bathroom. I was walking down the hall when I was grabbed from behind and pulled into a pitch black bedroom. I remember having my phone jerked out of my hand and thrown across the room and was pushed onto the bed. I tried screaming and nothing would come out, I tried to fight but I couldn't move. I began going in and out of consciousness and just remember him being on top of me when I would wake up. I would try to scream and fight, but nothing. Somehow, he managed to get me to his truck about daylight, drove me to my dorm and dropped me off out front. I don't remember his name, what he looked like, what he drove....nothing. I went into my room and after my friend went to class, I climbed in the shower and sat under the hot running water until it ran cold. I began the struggle within myself to report to the police, but how could I report what happened when I couldn't remember anything and I had been drinking. Again, I worried that somehow I was at fault or that no one would believe. I chose to keep another horrible secret. After a couple of days, calls started coming into our dorm when I wasn't in by someone, who left messages saying to tell me that my boyfriend had called. I would call my guy friends asking if it was them and no one fessed up. One evening, a call came in and my suitemate told the guy I was in class. He told her he knew my class schedule and that I wasn't in class and wanted to know where I was. At this point, it had been a few weeks since I had been raped. I had already been experiencing signs of depression and had scheduled an appointment for a pregnancy test and STD exam at the college clinic. The clinic confirmed that I was not pregnant and had no STDs. The nausea and other symptoms I was experiencing were from a bleeding ulcer. I was under so much stress and anxiety I was making myself sick and I began pulling again. After being made aware of the last phone call by this man, knowing that he knew my schedule and was stalking me, I chose to leave school. I told my roommate and parents that I was failing my classes (which wasn't true) and that college wasn't for me. I packed up my stuff and moved back home.
Over the past years, my TTM has remained my coping mechanism. I finally told a couple of friends about the rape about 2 years after it happened. It made it real to talk about it, but it also helped. However, I didn't talk about it again for years. This past year, I made a choice because of some friends that I have made through pageantry to acknowledge that I am a survivor of sexual assault and I participated in the Denver Denim Days Fashion Show, in which the models are all survivors of sexual assault. With this, came a great deal of publicity for the show, advertising the models and the fact that they are all survivors. This forced me to confront my past and talk about it with the people I had kept it from all these years. I told my husband, my parents and my grandparents about what happened to me as a child. And for the first time in over 20 years, I felt like I could breath. I felt like a weight had literally been lifted off my chest. I have been managing my TTM pretty well for the past 5 or 6 years. I have had times of remission and then I have had severe flare ups, but none that have required me to have to wear a wig and it has just become a habit to pencil my eyebrows and wear false lashes. I feel like sharing my story and getting it out of me and bringing awareness to abuse through my advocacy and volunteering has helped me reduce my TTM and I'm hoping that sharing my story of TTM will also help improve the way I manage the disorder. Getting it all out and having no skeletons in the closet is scary. It's frightening, it's horrifying, it's freeing, it's liberating, and it's going to make a difference in someone else's life. While I worry about what others will think of me after reading my story, I can't help but think of how empowering it is going to be for someone else who has felt the way I do and gone through the things I've gone through.  
This is me. This is my story. There are no more ghosts in my closet. My deepest darkest secrets have been revealed and once I hit publish, you all know. These trials and this disorder has made me the person I am, but it will no longer define who I am. I am not a victim of sexual abuse, domestic violence and TTM....I am a SURVIVOR and so are you!

Knowing What You Want In a Significant Other

For those of you who are single, do you ever wonder if you’re going to find the right person or for those of you who are in a relationship (dating or married), if you are with the right person? You are really the only person who can answer that question, because what the right person looks like for each of us is different. We all have different values and qualities that initially attract us to people.

For the majority of people, looks are the first thing we are attracted to. “According to the Harris Interactive, physical attraction does, in fact, matter to both men and women. Seventy-eight per cent believed it was very important. The rest were lying. But HuffPost reports that what is interesting and less obvious is that it matters more in the first seven years of a relationship than in later years. It seems that as marriage progresses, physical attraction may be increasingly influenced by other emotional factors — like good communication and shared interests — which probably help sustain attraction even if looks change. The survey shows that men are more likely than women to place higher importance on physical attraction in their relationship. Fifty per cent of women said that physical attraction was important, while 123% of men said it was. Women identified facial features as being more important than body features, while men expressed a preference for women who had surgically relocated their breasts to their heads. A high number of couples (92%) agreed that their relationship was healthier when both partners felt confident about their appearance. Over half of men and women indicated that they would like their partner to pay more attention to their physical appearance. The rest indicated that they would like their partner to pay more attention to them.”

(http://lifeintheboomerlane.com/2012/04/15/the-link-between-physical-attractiveness-and-relationship-success/)

With our initial attraction to a person lying in how attractive they are, the fact that our appearances and bodies do change over time, and the statistics above prove that we should not think we found Mr. or Mrs. Right because we are attracted to their appearance. As mentioned above, after appearances begin to diminish the relationships that will last are based on emotional factors like good communication and shared interests. So, what do we want in our significant other besides good looks? That is something many people don’t think about when entering a relationship. I know for me personally, it was never something I thought about. I just thought, “I really like this person”. I never thought about what I wanted in a relationship or a significant other.

I had a friend, who after her divorce, made a list of what she wanted in a husband. A very detailed list, which at times I picked on her for (i.e.: he had to like wheat bread instead of white); but she had the right idea. I think we should all take the time to really think about what we want in a relationship and a partner and prioritize those items. Then when we are considering whether we enter into a relationship with this person, we look at the person and the list and see how many of the qualities we want are in the person we are considering and then determine if we can live with those qualities that they don’t meet. I think if we all did this, we would see happier relationships and possibly lower divorce rates; simply because we knew what we wanted and got it rather than guessing about what we want or settling.

I had never made a list before but have been thinking about my friends list a lot, so I even though I am married, decided to make a list of what I would want in a significant other if I were single. Here is my list and I encourage you to create your own. And if you are in a relationship, make your list and see how many of the qualities you want actually appear in your current partner/significant other.

What I Want In A Significant Other (It was really hard to prioritize after the first two):

Someone who is spiritual and a believer in Christ.

Someone who believes family is more important than anything, except the above.

Someone who trusts me with everything and I can trust with everything.

Someone who is a good listener and communicator.

Someone who is my best friend and wants me to be theirs.

Someone who loves children.

Someone who understands and supports my career as a counselor, but also supports and encourages my other dreams and goals.

Someone who doesn’t drink or is only a social drinker.

Someone who doesn’t use drugs.

Someone who shares my same interests (music, movies, performing arts and art in general, traveling, the beach, going to the lake, tent camping, hiking, rafting, spending time outdoors in general, volunteering).

Someone who understands wanting to make a difference in the lives of others and wants to himself.

Someone who works hard, but makes time for his family.

Someone who realizes regular date nights are important, even after marriage.

Someone who makes me laugh, but that I can cry to or with when necessary.

Someone who understands my past and doesn’t judge me for it or use it against me.

Someone who understands my past and encourages and supports me using it to help others.

Someone who inspires my creativity.

Someone who is not so focused on their needs, wants and desires that they forget about or neglect mine.

Someone who is adventurous and passionate and can be spontaneous.

Someone who would rather be with me than anywhere else, but with the understanding we can’t be together 24/7 (they just need to have that desire to be with me when they’re away from me and miss me).

Someone who believes in himself and has self-confidence without being arrogant and is not afraid to admit when he is wrong or has made a mistake and takes steps to fix the wrong.

Someone who believes that a relationship is built on faith, trust, genuineness, authenticity, openness, and total transparency.

Someone who is not superficial or keeps things on the surface and lacks depth.

Someone who doesn’t care if I’m all dressed up or wearing sweats with no make-up and a ponytail.

Someone who cares about their appearance, body and health, but that is not arrogant about it or obsessive over it.

 

What will your list of qualities include?                                                    

 

 

Types of Abusive Men

In keeping with my dating/domestic violence awareness platform, I am reading a book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? When written in 2002, Bancroft had 15 years of experience working as an Abuse Therapist. Bancroft led groups and worked with men who were seeking counseling for being abusive or having an abusive nature. Bancroft wrote this book based off what he learned from these abusive men, as well as their partners.

In the book, there is a chapter on the types of abusive men. I am including that list with some of the central attitudes of those men as defined by Bancroft:

The Demand Man -
Has an "it's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault."
Believes "You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give."
Believes he is above criticism.
Believes he is a loving and giving partner and the partner is lucky to have him.

Mr. Right -
"You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what's good for you."
"Your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously."
"The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is."
"If you would just accept that I know what's right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too."
"When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that's mistreatment of me."
"If I put you down for long enough, some day you'll see."

The Water Torturer -
"You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing."
"I can easily convince other people that you're the one who is messed up."
"As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel."
"I know exactly how to get under your skin."

The Drill Sergeant -
"I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong."
"I know the exact way that everything should be done."
"You shouldn't have anyone else - or anything else - in your life besides me."
"I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence."
"I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me."

Mr. Sensitive -
I'm against the macho men, so I couldn't be abusive."
"As long as I use a lot of 'psychobabble', no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you."
"I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood. I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not."
"Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings."
"Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men."

The Player -
"Women were put on this earth to have sex with men - especially me."
"Women who want sex are too loose, and women who refuse sex are too uptight."
"It's not my fault that women find me irresistible. It's not fair to expect me to refuse temptation when it's all round me; women seduce me sometimes, and I can't help it."
"If you act like you need anything from me, I am going to ignore you. I'm in this relationship when it's convenient for me and when I feel like it."
"Women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches."
"If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldn't have to turn to other women."

Rambo -
"Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad."
"Anything that could be even remotely associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible violence or showing any fear or grief, has to be avoided at any cost."
"Femaleness and femininity are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them."
"Men should never hit women, because it is unmanly to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner if her behavior is bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line."
"You are a thing that belongs to me, akin to a trophy."

The Victim -
"Everybody has done me wrong, especially the women I've been involved with. Poor me."
"When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the parade of people who have been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you're just like the rest."
"It's justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel you are doing to me and even to make it quite a bit worse to make sure you get the message."
"Women who complain of mistreatment by men, such as relationship abuse or sexual harassment are anti-male and out for blood."
"I've had it so hard that I'm not responsible for my actions."

The Terrorist -
"You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands."
"Women are evil and have to be kept terrorized to prevent that evil from coming forth."
"I would rather die than accept your right to independence."
"Thee children are one of the best tools I can use to make you fearful."
"Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying."

The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser -
"I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems."
"If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems."
"I'm not abusive, I'm just ____ (alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be)."
"If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do."

Key points to remember -
- "Tremendous variation exists among abusive styles...Many men are mixtures of different aspects."
-"An abuser may change so much from day to day that he couldn't belong to any type and the partner can never make sense out of what she is living with."
-"An abuser of any type can have days when he turns loving, attentive and thoughtful. However, the abuse will come back unless the abuser has dealt with his abusiveness."

For more detailed information on these types and on abusive partners in general, pick up Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

Love or Infatuation?

I remember a few years ago (okay about 10) when I was working as a store manager at Body Central, one of the other store managers coming to Texas from Florida, to help me open my store. One evening while we were working, she got a phone call. She stepped to the backroom and took the call. When she came back out, she had a huge smile on her face. She had been on the phone with her husband of 13 years. Having been divorced and being in a not great relationship at the time, I was in awe of her. We started discussing their marriage and their relationship. She said that because they both traveled a lot for their careers and they had children, they didn’t get to spend as much alone time together as they wish they could; but that they called each other multiple times throughout the day whether they were both home or not. She also shared that she, after 13 years of marriage, still got butterflies in her stomach every time she saw her husband…if they were meeting for lunch, he was coming home from work, they had just spent the week apart…it didn’t matter, the butterflies were still there. I was amazed. I remembered that butterfly feeling, but had not had that feeling in my then current relationship in a very long time. I found myself thinking about that. I wanted that. I wanted to find the person that would give me butterflies in my stomach for the rest of my life. Then I began to wonder if that butterfly feeling forever could really exist. Is that what love really was? Was it infatuation? Was it a combination of the two? What is this feeling all about and how do you keep it?

I was listening to the radio today and heard a song that made me think about that story. This lady, even after 13 years of marriage, still viewed her relationship in its beginning stage…the infatuation stage. That stage where you can’t wait to see that person again, when you get butterflies in your stomach just thinking about them, you get excited when you get a call or text from them and your heart starts racing, when the only place you want to be is where they are and when they’re the only person you want to spend time with, when there is passion and excitement around every corner. THAT stage! But can that stage actually last 13 years, 20 years, 25 years?

 I set a goal for 2014 of strengthening my marriage and my relationship with my husband. Relationships are hard. Love is hard. And it is even harder for those in relationships that are troubled. I’ve been looking at my past relationships and my relationship with my husband and doing some evaluating. What can I learn from the past to improve the future? What can be done to bring back that butterflies in your stomach feeling? I began doing some investigating into marriage, love, infatuation and romance and I’ve found some important information.

 There is a difference between love and infatuation. I’m sure we all know that deep down. What we forget sometimes is that a person who is in love can also be infatuated with the person he/she is in love with; but the person who is infatuated with someone, may not really love them. We need to know the difference between the two and one way of knowing whether it is love or simply infatuation is to ask yourself important questions. “Does this relationship bring out the best in both of us?” is one of the most important questions you can ask. If the answer to this question is no, you should re-evaluate your relationship. If the relationship is not bringing out the best in both of you, the relationship is unhealthy and more often than not, not going to last. Another question to ask is, “Are you in this relationship alone?” If you are not thinking and planning together as a pair, consider both of your plans before committing to something, or postponed or given up your dreams for the other person and not restructured your dreams together, you are in the relationship alone. A one-sided relationship will not last the test of time. These are things you don’t think about or see when you are infatuated with someone. When you are infatuated with someone, you put your blinders on and see only what you want to see. You are not seeing the other person for who he/she really is and you are not seeing the relationship for what it really is.

I think that butterfly feeling goes away, when the infatuation disappears and we begin to really take a good hard look at our relationships or significant others. We are now seeing them for who they really are and they really aren’t what/who we thought because of the blinders we saw them through in the beginning. You may realize that you are moving in opposite directions, that you or your partner were ignoring things that should have been addressed in the beginning of the relationship, that you want different things out of life, that your goals are no longer the same, that as a couple you are not in the same emotional place or on the same spiritual level, and the list goes on. This is when you have to make a decision. If you’re dating when you lose the infatuation, do you break up and move. If you’re married, do you get a divorce? What if you have children together? Or do you try to rekindle that infatuation? I think the answers to these questions vary from person to person and couple to couple. There is no right answer. It is ultimately a matter of what you see now versus what you once saw and if you can live with the person the way you really see them now. You have to decide if you can live with someone who is not on the same page as you. There is a lot to consider and sometimes, when we are infatuated, we forget that we may not be seeing our significant other the way they really are…and they may be showing us who they really are, but we have our blinders on and can’t, won’t or don’t see it. So, this is where we have to take a deep look at ourselves, as a friend recently made me realize during a conversation about a different topic, and determine what we have done in the relationship to contribute to the problems. For some of us, it may be that we had blinders on. I know I’ve worn blinders in the past. People, not even romantic relationships, have shown me who they really are and I chose not see it until later. For some of us, we may be contributing to the problem by enabling the unbecoming actions of our significant other. Whatever problems are going on in a relationship, we must be willing to examine our role in those problems rather than to simply blame the problems on the other person.

 So, back to those butterflies. Is it possible to still have that butterflies in your stomach feeling after years in your relationship? I believe so, but I believe that you have to be in love with each other (not a one-sided love), that you have to keep that infatuation by being on the same page from day one and you have to create romance and intimacy on a daily basis. Is it possible to get that feeling back after it’s been lost? I think with hard work, you can become reconnected with your partner and regain some of those beginning of a relationship feelings, but again, it takes both parties in the relationship working because a one-sided relationship gets you nowhere.

I found these 12 Tests of Love that I’d like to share. Are you really in love or is it just infatuation?

 1. The test of time. Love benefits and grows through time; infatuation ebbs and diminishes with time. Are you in a rush to label certain feelings “love,” or do you have other words to describe these feelings? Do you save the word love for something better than feelings? If you find yourself “falling in love” often and early, only to be later disappointed, perhaps remembering this first test of real love will save you future heartache.

2. The test of knowledge. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. How well do you expect to know the person you marry? Or how well do you know your spouse? Infatuation quickly decides it knows everything it needs to know. Genuine love creates an atmosphere of such interest that the other person opens like a flower.

3. The test of focus. Genuine love is other-person centered. Infatuation is self-centered. In your most important relationships, to what degree is your attention focused on what you are receiving from them and to what degree is your attention focused on meeting the other’s needs?

4. The test of singularity. Genuine love is focused on only one person. An infatuated individual may be “in love” with two or more persons simultaneously. In what ways have you realized that it’s much easier to work on problems in an existing relationship where singularity and faithfulness are maintained than to create a whole new set of problems with another person?

5. The test of security. Genuine love requires and fosters a sense of security and feelings of trust. An infatuated individual seems to have a blind sense of security, based upon wishful thinking rather than careful consideration; infatuation is blind to problems. Security grows and flows out of deep awareness of the other person’s character, values, and track record.

6. The test of work. An individual in love works for the other person, for his or her mutual benefit. People in infatuation only think of their own misery. They often daydream of unrealistic objectives and ideals that neither they nor their partner could ever actually attain.

7. The test of problem solving. A couple in love faces problems frankly and tries to solve them. Infatuated people tend to disregard or try to ignore problems. How good are you and your partner at seeing problems and working on them? Do you find that you gloss over hard issues in your relationship or face them squarely?

8. The test of distance. Love knows the importance of distance. Infatuation imagines love to be intense closeness, 24/7, all the time. If circumstances require you to be temporarily separated from the one you love, that will teach you a lot about the quality of your relationship. If there is not a sense of separateness, a distinct life, relationships with other people, and healthy balance, then the relationship is probably a lot more infatuation than love.

9. The test of physical attraction. Physical attraction is a relatively small part of genuine love, but it is the center focus of infatuation. Now don’t read “small part” to mean “not a part” in what I just stated. If your heart doesn’t skip a beat now and then and you don’t feel real attraction for your mate or the person you plan to marry, I’d call that a problem.

10. The test of affection. In love, affection is expressed later in the relationship, involving the external expression of the physical attraction we just described. In infatuation affection is expressed earlier, sometimes at the very beginning. Affection tends to push toward greater physical intimacy. Without the control of the other aspects of genuine love, affection spends itself quickly. It gives the appearance of making the relationship “close,” but the closeness is artificial and fragile.

11. The test of stability. Love tends to endure. Infatuation may change suddenly and unpredictably. In infatuation the wind blows here and you’re in love. The wind blows there and you’re in love. Not so with real love. Real love is stable. There is a commitment. The test of stability can hardly be applied to a relationship measured in days or weeks.

12. The test of delayed gratification. A couple in genuine love is not indifferent to the timing of their wedding, but they do not feel an irresistible drive toward it. An infatuated couple tends to feel an urge to get married—instantly. Postponement for the infatuated is intolerable.