After going through a divorce a little over a year ago, I have had to do a lot of soul searching and face a lot of my insecurities. We all have them and I am not exempt. I found myself staying in a relationship with my ex-husband because I was not secure enough in myself and who I was to move on. I kept asking myself: What if no one else wants to be with me? Am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I fit/skinny enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fun? Will a guy be accepting of me? Will he be accepting of my past? And being the single mom of two amazing girls, Will he accept my girls? Will he want a ready made family?
This was ridiculous. First of all, at the time I am asking myself these questions, I don't even know who "he" is. If I don't know who "he" is, how do I know the answers to any of the other questions? And the question, "What if I'm not good enough?". What if I'm not good enough for what? For who? Who am I to judge myself this way? What is good enough for the right person, isn't going to be good enough for the wrong person. What is pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, fun enough for the right person is probably not going to be enough for the wrong person. So how can I judge myself in that way? I shouldn't! I should be good enough for me, pretty enough for me, fit enough for me, smart enough for me, talented enough for me. I should be living for me and to make myself happy, not trying to be what someone I may not even know wants me to be, especially when I don't even know what that is.
While I was dealing with my own insecurities and working through accepting and loving myself and making the changes to myself that I wanted to make for me, not someone else, I began seeing and hearing the insecurities of my male friends and realized I was not alone and that women are not the only ones who deal with insecurities.
For some of my male friends, depending on their current relationship status, they are dealing with a lot of the same issues we women are: Am I good enough? Am I good looking enough? Am I smart enough? Am I fit enough? I also found that men also are insecure about their living arrangements, careers, finances, etc. Some examples of what I'm talking about: a couple that gets a divorce and the wife gets the house, so he's now living with his parents or in his office space; he worries that his job or career is not as glamorous as he would have people believe or that he is not as successful in his career choice as he'd like to be; that he is financially strained and it is going to turn women away.
I can't speak for other women and can only speak for myself, but I've had a number of relationships (when I mention relationships, I'm including dating here, not just serious relationships) in a number of situations. I've been in relationships with guys with money and guys who were broke. I've been in relationships with guys who were good looking and guys who weren't as attractive as others. I've been in relationships with guys who have been single with no kids and been in relationships with guys who have been divorced with kids. I have been in relationships with guys with dreams and goals and guys who didn't have a clue what they wanted out of life. I've been in relationships with guys who worked hard and didn't work at all. I've been in relationships with guys who were fit and guys that could've lost a few pounds (not being mean, but for health reasons). I've been in relationships with guys who had careers and guys who floated from job to job.
What I have found from being in some sort of relationship with guys from opposite extremes is that I personally am interested in the guys who in this particular order can provide me with the following:
1. Honesty - First and foremost, I need someone who is honest. If you betray my trust, it takes a lot for me to trust you again. I need someone who is open, honest and trustworthy. I would much rather hear the truth from you than to find it out on my own and feel that I've been deceived. So many men don't get this and it is one of the easiest things to do...just tell the truth. As I once told my ex, "I would rather you tell me the truth and me be upset for 10 minutes than for you to lie to (or deceive) me and me not be able to ever trust you again."
2. Loyalty - I'm a person who has always had more male friends than female ones. While I have a handful of girlfriends, majority of my friends are male. And it is possible to have strictly platonic friends of the opposite sex and I would never want someone I'm in a relationship with to severe a friendship with another woman. What I will ask for, however, is that those platonic relationships stay just that. They don't cross the line. They don't become flirtatious. They don't turn into emotional affairs. I don't have to be the only woman in your life, but I want to be one of the most important (only women I'm willing to take a backseat at times to is mom, sisters or other female family members, and children). Loyalty goes with honesty. If we're serious be serious about me. Don't play games. Don't hurt me and don't betray my trust by lacking loyalty.
3. Acceptance - I've been through some shit. I have history, I have trauma, I have at times been broken. I have children and responsibilities. I need you to be accepting of who I am, what I've been through and understand that all of that has made me who I am today. And accepting who I am, means that you don't use that against me. You don't use it to threaten me with. You don't use it to get what you from me with. You accept all of me, the good and the bad, you help me to continue to be a better me for both of us. You walk by my side, not in front of me. We are equals. I want to accept you and everything you may or may not have been through who has made you who you are, just as much as I want you to accept that of me.
4. Conversation - I need someone I can communicate with and who knows what communication is. It's not you talking to me and me listening and we had a great conversation. It's taking turns talking and listening and understanding and learning about each other. It's sharing our days and taking a sincere and genuine interest in the conversation. I have recently found that I can have more fun having a good conversation than I can going to a club or bar. Communication and conversation is one of the most important aspects of any relationship.
5. Laughter - I have found that I need to laugh. Life is so much happier when you can laugh (when it's appropriate) at yourself, at circumstances, at life. If I can't laugh with you, be silly with you and enjoy being with you, why am I wasting my time? Life is too short not to laugh and enjoy it. Of course not every situation is laughable, but being able to make me laugh is important. And creating inside jokes that no one else would understand can become very amusing, especially when they are used in public.
6. Love - I want someone who loves me and the person who loves me is going to give me 1-5 without me even having to ask. I don't have to be the center of your world, but I want to be an important part of it and I want you to be an important part of mine. I know situations aren't always ideal and there may be times when we go days, weeks, maybe even months without talking, seeing each other, or being together; but knowing that we love each other and that 1-5 exist in the relationship, can make even the most impossible possible.
Love isn't a word, love is an action. I don't necessarily need, "I love you"; I need to be showed that you love me. So what does that look like? When we're apart: sending a small bouquet of flowers to my work for no reason, dropping a post card in the mail, sending me a good night/good morning text or message (or even better call), sending me songs that make you think of me, leaving me messages to find at my house when you're gone (i.e.: a note on the mirror so that when it fogs from the shower, I can read it when I get out), leaving me one of your t-shirts for me to sleep in, etc. When we're together: kissing me..often (doesn't have to be a full on make-out session, but real intimate kisses), holding my hand, holding/cuddling me, eye contact, small sweet gestures that you wouldn't give others, being present, putting your phone/ipad/ipod away, sing me a song, dance with me, did I mention kiss me.
If you look at my list, it really has nothing to do with anyone being good enough, good looking enough, fit enough, smart enough, rich enough. Maybe some people are that shallow, but the more I look at what I look for in a person, the more I realize that I will be good enough for the right person and I'll be good enough on every level. Being in a relationship with someone who is good-looking, smart, has a career, is successful, has money, etc. may be icing on the cake; but it's not what a relationship is made of. If I can have those 6 items I listed, the man I am with can be broke, living at home with his mother, been divorced, never have been married, could have kids, may not want any of his own but accepts mine, could have had huge dreams that just didn't work out, could be flipping burgers at McDonald's. After the relationships I have been in, I have learned that you don't judge others worth on the material things they do or don't have to offer. Sometimes the guy that has all the money and is successful, never has time to spend with you. Sometimes the guy that is good-looking or fit, has other women chasing him and you end up competing for him. The same goes for women. Guys, there are also drawbacks if you're looking for a women based on materialistic or physical attributes. We all need more than that. We need the emotional piece and if the emotional piece isn't there, all the physical and material attributes/wealth in the world will not make us happy in a relationship.
So, when we start feeling insecure about who we are, our physical appearance, what we can physically/materially offer someone; we need to remember that how we interact and affect someone on an emotional level is far more important than all those other things. And what is good enough for one person isn't going to be good enough for another. We need to remember to be good enough for ourselves and to think about those emotional things that we need from a relationship and ask if we are getting that from the person we like, that we are pursuing, or that we are in a relationship with. We must also remember that we all have insecurities and that all our insecurities are different. Be gentle with and have patience with those you love and ask them to do the same for you.
